Assignment Twenty-two – Jessica Ewing

There's been a stigma around mental illness for about as long as humans have existed. Records go as far back as ancient Egypt depicting mental illness as some sort of disease that had to be treated and cured through medicinal procedures. That same sort of stigma has carried itself throughout history, and only just over the last 20 years or so have we even started to see this stigma finally wither and die. In many households, mental illness is still an ill-spoken subject. Even though over 350 million people worldwide suffer from depression alone, it's a taboo subject that tends to make many people uncomfortable when it's brought up in conversation.

So when I mention to anyone that I have clinical depression and have had it for my entire life, the general reaction is one of awkward silence, followed by a quick, unnecessary apology about how I "shouldn't have to deal with that."

In reality, it doesn't matter if I should or should not have to deal with my depression, as it's never been something I could control. Depression is primarily caused by an imbalance of neurotransmitters (such as serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine) in your brain, which is something I have absolutely no control over. I have very little control over when my depressive episodes occur, which can prove particularly annoying if I have a test that same day or if I'm in the middle of a homework assignment. One second I'm doing alright; the next, nothing else seems to matter.

I never started receiving treatment for my depression until fall of my sophomore year, when my mother couldn't stop ignoring the clear signs I continued to show. I began therapy mid-September of 2016 and have been going ever since. I'm doing a lot better today than I had been a year and a half ago, and there are still days and weeks where I particularly struggle, but it's nowhere near as bad as it once was.

My experience with depression taught me to always look at the people around me differently. Everyone could be dealing with something that you are unable to see on the surface. It taught me compassion and it taught me mercy, because those were shown to me on days where I wasn't doing well and I ended up snapping at people when I shouldn't have. I can now display those traits more effectively, knowing where compassion and mercy come from and why it's important to value those in my relationships with others.

I also became fascinated with the inner workings of mental illness. Psychology is now a love of mine, and my experiences have opened a doorway into becoming a therapist myself so that I may help other adolescents who are dealing with mental illness. I always strive to help others in any way that I can, and my own experiences with mental illness gives me a further understanding into that world for others.